Awareness shifts happening everywhere – the Book of Secrets is amazing, my personal Bible! Not only the things I have so far read and practised brought me the results promised, but there are observable changes happening everywhere else across all daily activities. Noticing habitual patterns and easily breaking free from them simply through awareness. Everything that I read, either in the normal course of the book or by picking methods that sound good and reading just them, everything seems to be addressing and shifting the precise issues I am working on at this present time (or have been working on for a while):
- trying to developer a habit to chew, eat slowly, be present to the taste of every bite – all of it happened completely automatically at the last meal with no effort whatsoever and was a completely different eating experience, awareness was there as if by its own accord.
- unconscious eating and overeating – gone. Perhaps only for the day, but maybe not, we’ll see.
- dissipating energy throughout the day in a myriad of unnecessary compulsive actions – solved by the STOP method. Whenever I have an impulse to do something – simply STOP – completely freeze, even stop breathing. An impulse is the energy wanting to move out and if you stop, but the energy is still moving, it will not go out but will go back in. Practice with any impulse – to sneeze, to drink, to sleep. I have had some amazing results using it with drowsiness – as soon as I feel drowsy – STOP – and I can feel the energy moving inwards and revitalising me – drowsiness gone! Its incredible.
- habit of having chocolate with my tea – worse yet, while I read. Sounds harmless enough but I was able to see for the first time how totally unconscious it was! What is the purpose, I can not taste anything anyway while I am reading or doing something else. If I want to drink tea – pour a cup, put the book down, enjoy the taste and have a contemplative break. And if I want some chocolate – get a piece and enjoy the taste fully, don’t even contemplate while at it, just be present with the taste. So simple but what a completely different experience once the awareness was brought to it. I can’t wait to discover what other silly habits I can deconstruct now.
- attempting to drink 2 litres of water every day – putting my unconscious to work – simply placing a bottle of water within easy reach and voila - unconscious reaches out and has some every half an hour or so.
I am close to giving up this morning. Really, really nothing comes to mind to write about. It feels like torture.
I will summarize here the results of my emotional saga of the past month and a half titled “To Vanuatu or Not to Vanuatu”. Its last culmination happened a few weeks ago in Italy with the Result of NOT following my feelings and it has since subsided entirely. I have written and talked about it to anyone and everyone who’d listen and, as if by magic, while typing up my internal emotional state yet again in yet another email, it finally dawned on me what the lesson in all this conundrum was – I need to let go of what little planning I still was attempting to do in my mind and leave utterly and completely in the present moment. Ever since that realization happened all my emotional ups and downs completely subsided and its a simple matter of asking myself each day (lol sounds like a program code, might as well write it that way for fun):
If (Am I still happy here? = yes)
stay another day
book ticket and leave
Also following my friend’s advice to connect with what Vanuatu means for me and bring it into my present experience has finally taken root. So all I am doing all day is doing a bit of work and online stuff, writing, reading, learning things, walking around and enjoying nature, cooking and eating. Simple really.
I also wanted to dive deeper into my chocolate making obsession. I have attempted to do it here but alas Viennese shops don’t stock vanilla extract (only vanilla sugar in multiple varieties everywhere!) and forget about trying to find raw chocolate. So the result was most definitely sub par so I gave up and started buying the bar again. But yesterday I finally tackled austrian ebay and with the help of trusty google translate manage to find myself my superfood ingredients and vanilla. Impatiently waiting for it all to arrive so I can create my chocolate goodness again – yeepee!
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Transforming pain, guilt and shame into pleasure – Dark Eros course notes
My course notes from Dark Eros course. I recommend reviewing John’s video introduction and notes that follow it first and then coming back and reading the notes below as they will make more sense then..
There is only one type of energy but there can be different forms that energy takes: abuse, sexuality, power, consciousness, bliss.
If we stop repressing the energy and its various expressions and accept all forms in us (NOT the attitude of “I am better than that, I don’t do that”) then we can have control and choice over what form that energy takes. Thus we accept and integrate our shadow and can then choose whatever expression we like for it. But we can not live in the light by repressing and denying the shadow.
If we accept our shadow: yes, I have it, and, moreover, it excites me. We can then express it with light and consciousness.
The current system is: you are not allowed pleasure, but you allowed to be moral. You are not allowed to punish for pleasure, but allowed when it is justified by the moral (deserved punishment). This way erotic punishment is fooling the brain that we are doing it because of duty while receiving pleasure. When we become so enlightened that punishment is no longer a theme in your life in either direction, then you can drop the pretense and just enjoy it for pleasure.
We start punishing in subtle energy withdrawals from others. So the first reversal step is to come out and punish openly. Second step – openly enjoy it and do it through contact. Third step is to allow the person receiving it to enjoy the pleasure of it. At this stage the punishment disappears and only pleasure of contact and erotic play remains. Thus we are feeding the old patterns of wanting to punish and be punished and they transform. This way erotic punishment serves a healing role – serious fun.
Whether we experience intensity as pain or pleasure depends on our energy. If we are in high energy we will experience intensity from the outside as please. Otherwise as pain. If we are full of energy, energy from the outside will add to it. If we are empty, outside intensity will further deplete it.
The key is to know: where I am in my energy? Can I charge up my energy body and experience pleasure? Or am I empty and low on energy so that everything and anything will abuse me.
We will learn the technique for taking charge of our energetic state so that we can meet the world and engage with it.
Manipulation is not something done by one to another but is a two people dance.
On the surface it seems that dominant person has the power, but at a deeper level it is the submissive who has the power. It is the submissive who says “yes”, “no” and the dominant one doing all the work and giving the other person pleasure.
The key is to become one with your power. While you only observe it, play with it, explore it – there is a gap between you and the power. It is that gap that is the problem. But once you totally disappear into your power and become one with it, it will self regulate and express through heart and spirit. At our core we are heartfelt warriors.
3 strands of dark Eros:
- Psychological. This helps understand the diversions/repressions of our energy through fear, shame
- Empowerment. Reclaiming our energy and exploring giving power to each other in an energetic system where we build each other up rather than push each other down. Power in relationship.
- Pure energy. Where we are doing magic alchemy with each other’s energy. We are charging the energy body and moving into altered states of consciousness through Dark Eros techniques.
Stages of sexual development:
1. Born. Ocular phase of sexuality. World comes in through wide open eyes. If what comes in is welcoming, loving, then you decide – this planet is the best place to be! You make your body home and planet home. If what comes in is cold and unloving, then you don’t incarnate fully – half in body half out.
2. Oral phase. World comes in through mouth, skin contact. Even though you are physically separate you form an energetic bond with your mother’s breast. Taking in nourishment not only through the mouth but the whole skin, melting into the body. Ideally ability to melt is experienced with the father as well as the mother, so it does not depend on the sex of the giver. If that is not provided, then your body goes into survival shock mode and results in feelings of survival, loneliness, “safe” mode where you shut down all your needs where the needs aren’t meant. Everything is shut down to the minimum for survival.
2. Anal phase (overlaps with the above for 4-5 years). The energy comes down to the base of the spine – in the base chakra – perineum and anus. This phase is about the excitement of being yourself and the other being the other. So instead of excitement being melting as in oral, excitement is in being separate, in the difference between me and the other. Energy comes in the feet and the eyes. The excitement is in challenging, provoking. Since parent is the authority, to experience yourself as separate, you automatically need to defy them to experience yourself as separate from their rules and will for you. So the excitement is in transgression – in breaking rules, in being naughty. That is what is needed to further develop sexuality. So for those of us who were good – we became sexless. So you recover that energy you need to transgress.
How can this go right way? The child is naughty, the parent affirms the naughtiness- yes you have been naughty, it has consequences/punishment, but I still love you.
How can this go wrong? If there are no boundaries or rules to transgress (very liberal household) it is not good for the child as they can’t feel the energy of transgression.
Another way it can go wrong is if the child’s naughtiness provokes an exaggerated response that is existentially threatening. Them the child does not feel naughty, but bad. It can be acted out as physical violence towards the child which feels fearful and intimidating. The child thinks “omg! I have the power to make my parent loose control! To turn them into a monster” it is not possible for the child that the parent is a monster, that would be too existentially threatening for them to contemplate, so the conclusion is that it’s the power inside the child which is to be feared which turns their parent into a monster temporarily. So your story becomes: it’s fearful out there – constant anxiety as the rage mine can explode at any time – and invariably under YOU. But even more deeply burried is the fear of the deep dark force inside YOU that makes them go off, that force is to be feared worse of all.
Another story – you are bad, will burn in hell or (non religious version) – “how could you disappoint me so much” – and the child dies inside with the residual deep feeling of guilt, that they don’t deserve to live. All because you were not able to be naughty. If you were naughty, you were BAD and rejected.
Erotic role play of transgression is based on the container of love and safety, where one can feel the energy of transgression and provoke the punishment.
Laughter disperses the energy and tension, but unfortunately disperses also the excitement. So try doing the exercises without laughing, chatting. Take your time to relax and be comfortable, remember to treat it as a meditation.
You see every blow of life as outside intensity. And if you can have higher energy charge inside of you already, you can transform it into energy for yourself.
Two types of shame:
- Toxic unhealthy shame
- Healthy (you feel a rush, trampling, sadness, your structure is shaken up) – this is a healthy reaction as you become conscious of your unconscious. Instead of apologizing, affirm that you are now conscious of what you have done unconsciously. Both partners learn from it and thus become both winners instead of one person being an apologetic looser and another the winner in the situation. Everyone makes mistakes, and learn from them.
Mistakes medicine wheel:
- I allow myself to make mistakes
- I learn from my mistakes
- I learn from mistakes of others
- I learn from mistakes of my teachers
- I learn without mistakes
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Shamanic inner journey
Account of my inner shamanic journey fresh out of the shamanic breathwork experience
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Shamanic Breathwork intesive has begun
Recount of the first night of Shamanic Breathwork intensive plus a couple more panoramic shots of the breathtaking Arizona surroundings.
Sedona Sanctuary retreat 360 panorama.
After lunch going on a short power hike up a hill and enjoying tremendous view from there.
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Expanded state of awareness
And so it is, gratitude video number 2! All about the expanded state of awareness experience.
And just after I have recorded the video, I come across an article that explains the science behind my experience. Fascinating forces of attention/attraction are as powerful as ever.
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Orgasmic web design services
Finding a great compact kundalini workout on YouTube that I might even be able to stick with. I have turned into a total energy junkie and since in addition to that I have always been an efficiency junkie, then work out, breathing and energy body activation all in one first thing in the morning sounds like my kind of thing.
Having yet another free breakfast at a friend’s hotel.
Having a conversation that started like so
- So what is your name?
- I am called “Dave”
- That is what you are called, but what is your name? Or do you not want us to know your name? Are you on a run from the authorities?
- No, but it is interesting that you should reflect that to me
- On the run from yourself?
- Oooouuuuuu… now THAT is deep…
Needless to say it was an interesting encounter but what was most interesting about it, is that while our new acquaintance seemed to be saying all the “right” things, to me personally he just did not feel right. Seemed to have too much theatrical mannerisms for someone who spent the greater part of the conversation talking about importance of being authentic and sharing one’s feelings in the moment.
I did take away a great little reminder for myself of no matter what others’ communication and reactions are to my behavior, it is all reflecting something back to me, something I have not yet accepted within myself. But then again, everyone is lost in their own little dream so what they are saying to me or about me is a reflection of something within themselves, not me. Ugh, my brain is hurting, here I am again, banging my head against the giant door of paradox. Another world is awaiting me on the other side once I manage to make my way through but its bloody painful for a “thinking” type to come to terms with knowing nothing and forever giving up hope of “figuring it out”.
Having a powerful dance session before the class, totally lost my breath and had to dance without it. Hip Swerve ftw – you know who you are!
Having a fun informative session about social networking for practitioners. For once I was even able to chip in a few times from an expert vantage point… that is before I totally fell asleep (damn pillows and blankets, there is no place for them in the classroom!)
Receiving an interesting advise from the presenter to put a personal spin on the teaching tantra business: tantric cooking class, ecstatic bird watching weekend, etc. So…. orgasmic web design services anybody??
Spending the afternoon working, listening to music, swaying to the beat of cacao inside of me, suntanning and trying yet again to set up my iPad a secondary wireless display – all at the SAME time.
I have come up with yet another brilliant idea of setting my “current dreams” slideshow ON constantly while my iPhone is plugged into the iPhone speakers and playing Pandora. Now not only I feed energy to my dreams all day long instead (or better yet in addition to) an intense 30-60 minute visualization sessions, but everyone around me also feeds energy to them by checking them out. Manifestation on steroids – yeeeehaaaaa!
Weird food of today: cinnamon (lots!) and vegetable broth soup. Don’t ask.
Only slightly less weird drink of the day: blenderful (aka super lots) of spinach leaves, handful of cacao, banana and 1.5 scoops of raw protein.
Goddesses are back in the house having (barely) survived their Phoenix experience – delicious apple crumble desert cooked for everyone’s enjoyment.
Freaking moonlighting again – 4 am! Oh well, at least I had fun remembering my last 2 days of life. First I have fun living it, then mkae fun reliving it – can’t really complain but it is time for bed. Lemon and cayan pepper breakfast tomorrow 7.30 am, will probably come back to bed afterwards. Good night!
Oh one last PS – got my laptop adapter in the mail, using my little machine again for the first time in a month! I missed thee but wished I didn’t need thee.
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Shamanic breathwork experience – to infinity and beyond!
My first ever shamanic breathwork experience and what an ahhhmaaaazing trip. After a slow musical journey through the chakras I exploded into the most powerful energetic orgasm which I have been having a few of this month through various experiences but this one eclipsed them all in a total trance like state of consciousness and complete lack of control, I felt possessed. At the end I felt totally cleansed from the inside out.
Then came the next wave of experience, my point of awareness of of the present moment has expanded to encompass more and more of my future on one hand and my past on the other all at the same time observing myself but not in the events of the normal reality as my memory would recall it but in the reality of my own creation. I felt strong pulses of energy reverberating through my whole body as I was consciously creating certain events in my life I wished to experience.
As the music moved into the higher chakras I felt an incredible pressure in my third eye that would not go away for the rest of the trip.
An amazing feeling of empowerment at being able to experience such powerful energetic states on my own which up until now I thought were only possible by combining and amplifying the energies of two people.
Looking forward to experiencing and learning more of this stuff next month.
Dumping my excess energy on someone else – ahhhhh, now that feels better…
As I was scrambling to write it all down I met a visiting practitioner who offered me a 7 hour massage in exchange for a website (session trading ftw). I declined saying I don’t really have pain in my body but my friend had something that needed to be worked on at the time and I was just eager to learn as usual so we did a session of show and tell and I got to learn allow about neuro muscular points, Essenes philosophy, herbal fertility control, Ai Ki Do and a bunch of other stuff.
The most bizarre turn of events has taken place as we were all happily chatting about this and that he mentioned something about the warm family feeling we have here and I innocently commented that yes, it is indeed very nice, it is my first time living in an environment where affection is so freely shared. Not even 10 minutes after he was out of there having turned complete impatient, distant, in a hurry (so much for a 7 hour massage) and having even left his bike shoes after being reminded several times to come and get them. Haven’t replied to a single call or sms from my or my friend since and will probably never return to collect his shoes! What a fabulous example of a practitioner himself being “triggered”, one of the phenomenons we have been studying this month.
Before the session I consumed an even great amount of cacao then for the party on the weekend and by the time the session has wrapped up something was definitely happening. It was either the onflow of energetic shift after the breathwork experience or indeed the cacao has finally had its effect on me in but I stayed on the couch all evening listening to music and having all sorts of mind trips and powerful visualizations and experiences.
I think I can finally see my future profession – legal spiritual drug dealer – taking people into altered states of consciousness with nothing but breath and music and sometimes chocolate to see the “reality” for themselves. Bingo!
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Web design party
Doing Kundalini yoga for the first time in my life! It was so super awesomelicious I didn’t want to get up afterwards and sat there with my eyes closed basking in the kundalini flow. Self induced altered states of consciousness ftw – it must surely be illegal
Making mighty fine scrambled eggs for breakfast from a secret recipe.
Making 2 websites today with&for friends. It was a veritable web design party here today with me the leading geekologist.
Chipping away at my emotional eating conundrum.
I thought I was the queen of wacky food but today I was treated to this desert today: raw egg, corn flour, butter and brown sugar whisked into sweet sugary goodness. I spread some on my toast and ate the rest with the spoon and shared it with someone I love for the extra sweetness.
Talking on the phone with someone else I love. Since I talk on the phone maybe only once or twice a week that makes it extra special.
Looking forward to receiving my laptop cable in the mail tomorrow. It was a nice month long break but its time to plug back in.
Getting back in touch with my business, doing some development, hiring, firing, writing a quote and receiving heartfelt thanks all in a course of day, or evening rather due to time zone differences. Its my baby and I missed it and I still love doing what I do, I just now love doing other things more, that’s all.
Finding a super cool online app Prezi which totally tickled all my geeky nerves, can’t wait to use it, Polina’s endless services menu is going to be ported into this funky platform from the confines of my iPad and finally unleashed publicly into the world. World, you better be ready!
Coming up with yet another talent to add to the services menu – personal finance tracking and management advice. I love to look at my graphs and charts every month, and self improvement does not fail to be the largest expense category every month. It is a fascinating world to explore – and a powerful question to be able to answer – where did all the money go??
Being yet again supported in my crazy occupation idea of “professional house guest”. Now with even more tools in my toolbox to transform on many new levels, I should start putting my portfolio of offerings together.
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