Doing another great free online course from HMI. Applying the model taught to my relationships has lead to a number of startling illuminations about myself which I have documented here along with course notes. See part 1 below and follow the link above or YouTube to watch part 2.
HMI is an amazing online education resource through which I studied hypnosis for free by remote education a couple of years ago and I highly recommend them. This particular course is about recognizing the two primary subconscious behavior patterns humans share and how they manifest in relationships. It describes how to recognize which of the two types (emotional/E or physical/P) me or someone else is and how to predict and subsequently shape other's behavior. It also addresses the patterns of relationships we tend to fall into as well as the universal pattern of "opposites attract".
Core traits that determine whether someone is an emotional or a physical:
- Which type was their father. Unlike the traditional psychology model that daughters tend to grow up to marry their "fathers" and sons their "mothers", the e&p model suggests that children of both sexes tend to grow up with the same pattern as their father and opposite of their mother unless some external circumstances interfere at the cryptical development stage between 0 - 14 years old. It certainly seems very true in my family.
- How they take rejection. Physical tends to come forward when rejected, try harder. Emotional tends to withdraw, and in fact frequently subconsciously starts withdrawing much earlier that any noticeable changes happen in the relationship, often causing the physical to try harder and harder until they give up and end it. So even if it looks like the physical ends the relationship, in fact it was the emotional's early withdrawal and rejection that lead to it - they frequently stop feeling first. Emotionals also dislike confrontation and are incredibly susceptible to feelings of guilt (while physicals are almost impervious to it), both of which contribute to the withdrawal pattern forcing the other partner to make the necessary decision to end the relationship.
- Their relationship with their body. Physicals fully inhabit their body, immediately feel emotions in their body and tend to be very physical, touchy, forward in communication. Emotionals have a certain disconnect from their bodies, often need time to figure out how their feel about something or someone, need a certain amount of physical space around them and feel uncomfortable when it is being invaded by someone new.
- The last tell tale sign is their relationship pattern. If you tend to attract mostly emotionals, it would suggest that you are a physical. It might not be necessarily in terms of numbers, but most certainly in terms of intensity of relationship. For example, a physical might be very hurt in a relationship with emotional which makes him shut down and seek to recover by having relationships with other physicals for a while (which tend to turn platonic) until they are brave enough to attempt another relationship with an emotional which will have more intensity and subconscious appeal for them.
Verdict: I have Emotional written all over me with a capital E.
1. Career/$ security Relationship/sex
2. Hobbies * Family/kids
3. Relationship/family Hobbies
4. Sex Career/$ security
* for some emotionals kids or friends might be their hobbies
For emotional relationship and sex are two separate areas which is the byproduct of their disconnect from their bodies. For the physical however, the physicalness of sex is how they give and receive love so for them it is one and the same.
At first glance I was going to protest that "no way!", for me the relationship is the most important thing. But a closer examination and retrospection revealed some startling thruths. First of all, the reason the relationship is usually the most important area for me is that my career and $ security are both where I want them to be, no stress in that area. Secondly, I am guilty of frequently making the relationship my hobby. And thirdly, which was the hardest to spot and admit, the one time in my life when career and $ security where threatened, I turned to using relationships to improve that area! Plus just the other day I have commented to a friend, that my business always comes first, then me, then if there is time and effort left over, others. I am just lucky/smart enough to have minimized the things that need to be done in my business as well my own personal needs so there is in fact time left over for others.
All these realizations call for a long thoughtful pause, accompanied by a "Hmmmmmmmm..."
Emotional really don't know what they feel, that is why they get with the physical for - to tell them what they feel.
Emotionals cycle up and down. For example, even love for their mate comes and goes for them in a cycle, while for the physical it's always there. It can be a 3,5 7 day cycle. Under stress each cycle can extend for weeks or even months.
When you get together with your opposite not only the intensity is higher but also the vulnerability and potential for greater depths of intimacy.
In the beginning of relationship, the honeymoon stage, what happens is emotional notices the physical and comes forward, pursues them. But only on their most physical day (for example every third day if they are on a 3 day cycle). Since the physical is not getting rejected, they do NOT come forward, but allow themselves to be pursued and perceive the emotional in their most physical expression. As the relationship evolves and they spend more time together, the physical starts encountering the emotional on their least physical/most emotional day and discovers almost an entirely different person - one that is totally focused on their career and hobbies, puts their partner at number 3/4 on priorities list, etc. Then physical feels rejected and starts to come forward and pursue. Inevitably they pursue and attempt sex on the emotional's OFF days and for the emotional the experience will feel worse than in the beginning when they were engaging on their ON days. So the emotional then starts wondering: what changed? Is it me or them? And they go and find another person to engage with to find the answer to that question (sexually or just verbally), inevitably on their ON days, and get the false confirmation that they have not changed, so it must be their partner that changed. Physical, on the other hand, will get angry and hurt and if choosing to cheat will do so with another angry hurt physical. They will get together and have angry hurt sex, which is ultimately not satisfying.
The solution, through becoming aware of the differences and the emotional's cycling dynamic, is for the physical to firstly chart the emotional's cycle. Then to hold back and allow emotional to come after them on their ON days. And it might not be very forward at all, it might just be subtle signs that they are more receptive, more in their physical that day. The result would be that the encounter would be more satisfactory for the emotional and thus the cycle will begin to shorten as he/she subconsciously seeks to repeat it more often. Secretly, what the emotional wants is to learn to be more like the physical, and the only way the physical can do that for them is not by smothering them, but by being aware of their cycles and holding back to allow the emotional to step into and exercise their own subdominant physical trait.
Concept of giving a Twinkie: how can each type give the other something to immediately satisfy their needs. Emotional can give the physical: hugs, a card, some flowers, tell them they love them. Physical can give emotional: space to focus on career or hobbies, become a help in career (without taking over or domineering)
Difference between dominance and control. As far as physical is concerned, it is their house and the emotional lives there with them. They seek to dominate. Emotionals don't seek to dominate.
Tips for physicals to keep the honeymoon stage alive forever:
- Stop giving too much. Only give as much as you get.
- Have a life outside of the relationship, keep yourself hot and in demand. Emotional does not know how they feel about you so they rely on external cues.
- Subtly reject them, keep them guessing, don't disclose all your plans. It is not about compromising the trust, it is about keeping the spark and a small possibility to keep the mind of emotional turning. Just a tiniest sliver of guessing, insecurity in their brain. For them it is exciting.
- For the emotional it all happens in the brain.
- Chart the emotional's cycle, this will help you have patience to hold off your affections and wait for them to pursue you and your affections when you know their ON day is coming in a couple of days. Make them work for it.
- When emotionals are not in their ON days, give them space, have enough interests and life outside of relationship to occupy yourself in the meantime.
- Emotionals want to exercise their physicalness so give them space and motivation to pursue you. If at all possible, let them come to you.
- Pretend to be an emotional and see if that won't trigger their physicalness!
- Realise that you are a "raw deal" and not what you have appeared to be in the beginning of relationship and be aware of your changing priorities. Continue to be cute and funny and sensitive to your partner.
- Do NOT do the guessing and planting tiniest insecurities in the physical. Do not ever reject however subtly as that makes physical nervous and kicks up their defences and trying harder behaviours.
- If you find it hard to verbally express feelings, give your physical partner an I Love You card: it has multiple benefits - you don't have to say anything and they can look at it over and over again when they need to hear it from you.